Joe SMASH!

And now for something completely different…

This story is a little different in that it is not a decade and a half old. This is something that happened last year.

Last September, I was in “The Importance of Being Earnest” at the Orange County Theater Festival (Representing “The Hunger Artists Theater Company”). Don’t ask me how, it just kind of happened. For a cast gift, we all chipped in and got our Director (The immortal Kelly Flynn) a couple of passes to Knott’s Scary Farm. The tickets were for October 27^th.

I was cast in the next show at the Hunger Artists, “Madame Guignol’s Macabre Theater: Hellhouse”. The nickname really started when we were striking the previous show (The Gog-Magog Project) and loading in the set for Guignol. When I’m lifting something heavy, I have this habit of lifting it over my head. It gives me more control, better mobility, etc. Besides, it looks damned impressive. I’m six-foot-four, and hoisting a 4foot by 8foot platform 7 feet into the air gets some attention (I’m an actor; so sue me).

It was probably Coyan who started it…

I picked up something really heavy, and I hear:

“HULK SMASH!”

It wasn’t too long before it became “JOE SMASH!”

It was funny, but no big thing. Then October 27^th rolled in…

The trip to Knott’s ended up being a big group expedition. I went with a group of around 12 people from the Hunger Artists. Shawnna & Darren Wishman organized the whole thing. Everything was planned pretty well. But, you can’t plan for the weather…

It rained.

All night.

And not some, California rain either. It meant it. And it didn’t quit all night.

As a group, we ran from one attraction to another. Being dry was not an option. It just got funny after a while.

We ended up standing in line for “Kingdom of the Dinosaurs” for about 45 minutes, just because the line was covered.

You have to understand this: I’m basically shy. When I’m around people I don’t know I have 2 modes: act out and try to impress (Rare) and fade into the background (my usual M.O.). I knew some of them from college (one girl from elementary school!), but I still felt a little out of place.

We went on the Dinosaur ride (after a memorable talking to from an attendant about “Horseplay”). When we got out, it was raining even harder, it had simply gotten ridiculous. The rain had won. We all decided to call it quits and go home. From there we marched to the entrance. You’re pretty much crossing the length of the park going from Dinosaurs to the entrance. It was a long, wet, miserable walk. Then it happened…

We were all in a long line, passing one of those little booths selling jewelry. As we walked by, these two old ladies started into their spiel.

“Buy some Jewelry for the lady? Souvenir? Toe Rings?”

That’s when I snapped.

I spun on my heel and started shouting at them,

“DO WE LOOK LIKE WE WANT ANY FRICKIN’ TOE RINGS???”

(Yes, I said “frickin”)

From there I proceeded to march out of the park, ranting as I went. The group fell in behind me, some laughing, all shocked.

Some group of hapless teenagers decided to stop in the middle of the path and congregate,

“YEAH! THAT’S GREAT! JUST BLOCK THE WAY FOR EVERYBODY!!!”

They ran.

I could hear Coyan behind me: “JOE SMASH!”

It stuck.

By the time we got to the tunnel going under Beach Boulevard, people were on their cell phones, spreading the tale.

The Tunnel…

I almost forgot. It has little to do with “Joe Smash”, but Holy God! We got to the tunnel to find it under two feet of water. It was insult to injury. You had to cross it to get to your cars. I just laughed and marched across, ranting the whole way.

Terry was firmly on the “Grumpy Train”. Jeremy could not have been more wet.

It was one of the most miserable & most fun nights of my life.

It’s been almost a year since that night. I’ve overheard people re-telling the story at cast parties. There are people in the theater company who don’t know my real name. I imagine it baffles most people, since I’m usually a quiet guy. But to those who were there, I will always be…

JOE SMASH!